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From The Other Side

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I found out about GMSW through a mutual friend. Our friend was the one who first found the blog and told me about it. I read it and could not hold back my tears. All the pain my best friend had gone through and I had NO idea. It was something that ate at me constantly. I could not believe all the things he had gone through and the worst thing was that he had to keep it to himself because nobody knew about him and wouldn’t understand. It broke my heart. After reading it I realized that it didn’t bother me at all. GMSW was still the exact same person. I still loved him with all my heart and wanted to let him know that I had no issue with this.
About a month into our last semester at college I confronted GMSW and told him that I knew about his secret. Little did I know… he already knew that. During our conversation I could not contain my tears. I felt as if I was crying for him. I let out all my emotions that night. I told him that I felt so bad for not being able to help him through hi…

The Silence

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Not a day goes by that I don't think about you. Not a day goes by that it isn't killing me inside. 
You taught me what real true love was. I've never been able to love or be loved by someone like I did when I was with you. 
Your face still haunts me. I can hear your voice, damn I miss your voice. I still see us close together, feeling the warmth of your body, your wonderful hugs, dancing around the dark kitchen, your incredible smile. The happiness and excitement I always felt receiving your texts or talking to you on the phone. 
I'm still not over you and I honestly don't know if I ever will be. I've tried to replace you, but I just ended up hurting people because I'm still stuck on you. 
I love you. 
You lift me up and knock me down, I'm never sure just what to feel when you're around, I speak my heart but don't know why, 'Cause you don't never really say what's on you mind.
It's like I'm walking on broken glass, I wanna kn…

I'm sure your heart breaks when some people still say...

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Friday morning as I was getting ready for my morning classes, my roommate Scott called me into his room. He was working on a discussion board for his online religion class. 

Scott: "Dude I'm on here gay bashing!"
Me: (exasperated) "Dude..."
Scott: "Not really. But read what I wrote."
(I had him email me a copy)
"People aren't naturally gay. They are naturally straight. It's mind boggling that people actually believe that. It's your lustful desires that actually make you believe that you are feeling attracted to the same sex. God has clearly stated that marriage is for man and woman. Men are attracted to women and I know I've had temptations for them as well. Women have temptations to be with men, and it's true that the desire people have to be gay are also in that same category of sin: that they are attracted and lusting after something that they want. This is not what they were forced to have, these 'natural' feelings as t…

Thinking All Love Ever Does Is Break And Burn And End...

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At the beginning of each school year growing up, I would receive a father's blessing. When I got to high school and my dad left the church, it changed to being given from one of my Young Men's leaders or my Bishop. Now that I'm in college (almost done actually!), I have close friends give me my blessings.

I hadn't gotten around to getting a blessing yet this semester because I kept forgetting, and then my friend who was supposed to give it to me kept flaking out. I felt like really needed to get one, with my class load being so heavy and being in the process of graduating and applying for Med School.

I decided to ask my friend Rast. Rast showed up early in the morning before school and gave me a blessing. In the blessing it talked about the expectations given to me by myself and by others. I was told to forget them and to focus on each of my classes, one assignment at a time, specifically focusing on larger assignments. I was instructed to concentrate on now instead o…

The Cold Never Bothered Me Anyway

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I just received a $2,500 MacBook Pro with Retina Display for Christmas. I graduate in April from college with my Bachelors Degree. My parents are building a huge gorgeous half-million+ dollar house that I will be able to call home and you know what? I'm still not happy. I'm tired. So very tired.

I'm tired of a father who desperately needs medication but refuses it. I'm tired of being on the receiving end of his tirades of anger.

I'm tired of a mother who always seems to be able to pick out all the things I do wrong in my life.

I'm tired of siblings who still treat me like a child, and don't appreciate or respect what I have to contribute. I'm tired of having them tell me I have no idea what I'm talking about when it comes to health and fitness (it's just my major right?).

I'm tired of being betrayed by ones that I used to call my friends. Is it really that hard to remain faithful to someone?

I'm tired of people having their own opinions…

ROAR

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In my last post I shared an email that I wrote to my siblings where I outed myself. It was literally days before I would be boarding a plane for my sister's wedding. It was the first time my entire family would be together in 5 years.

After I pushed send, I felt a huge weight lifted from my chest. I felt I could breathe and relax. Like I was no longer hiding anything.

Lyn called me literally 10 minutes after I had sent the email. She and her (now) husband were on the phone. She wanted me to know that what I had told them didn't change anything. They were surprised, but they loved me just the same. They said they didn't hold any judgement towards me, they actually held more respect for having the courage to tell the whole family and then choose to stay in the Church. Lyn also asked me about my heartbreak and how I deal with that.

My sister Lindsay who had up to then been texting me about a friend of ours who had decided to leave the Church and lead a gay lifestyle. She wou…

Coming Out: A Family Affair

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An email I recently sent to all my siblings:

My dearest family,
This email has been a long time coming. I've felt strongly prompted to write this out for a while now. 
I apologize in advance Lyn for writing this right before your wedding, I don't want this to take the focus off of you. It just felt like an appropriate time since it's the first time all six of have been together since Ashtyn's wedding. With the trials our whole family has gone through, I can't help but feel the necessity to be honest and genuine with my siblings especially with the limited time that we get to see each other, plus how fragile we have come to find life is over the past couple of years.
I'm gay, which Ashtyn and Benjamin I'm sure have already figured out a long time ago. Some people call it same sex attracted, same gender attracted, etc. A lot of people including Mom don't like to call it gay because it makes it sound like one is actively pursuing the lifestyle. To me it all m…